Tension
by gentlewinnix
Summary: Hiccup doesn't know where to start on a Berk without dragons. Astrid worries that he's running away from his responsibilities again. Hiccstrid.


**Author's Note:** Hey! This is my first HTTYD fanfic, but I've been following the franchise since the first movie came out, and I have a lot of thoughts. I've seen a lot of takes on this idea, but I'm still getting the hang of the writing the characters. Please feel free to leave any constructive criticism you might have. You can follow me on Tumblr berkbutch for my HTTYD stuff. :)

Tags include: Post-How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Anxiety, Self-Esteem Issues, Talking.

* * *

Life on Berk- that is, New Berk- without the dragons takes some getting used to. But they are Vikings, and Vikings accept that change is a part of life. It hurts, for the Riders and other villagers alike, but they will push forward, adapt. It's what they've always done.

For Hiccup, though- it is less simple.

Toothless really was everything, and his absence is like a slap in the face. With Toothless at his side, the impossible job of chieftain of the Hooligan tribe- something he'd spent all of his life running away from- seemed almost manageable. People would listen to him, when Toothless let out a great roar, and his own shortcomings in battle were nearly irrelevant with the six foot tall fire-breathing beast at his side.

Now that Toothless is gone, Hiccup is forced to see that not even his own tribesmen truly view him as their leader- even less than their equal, perhaps, with all the humiliation he endures. His father had called him the "pride of Berk" in his last days, and Hiccup had foolishly believed it, felt pride for finding himself in his tribe's good graces, for doing something _right_ for once-and on his own terms! But now it seems he doesn't go a moment without overhearing some joke aimed at him, or a friendly punch that's just hard enough to bruise, or- Gods- Tuffnut and Snotlout's strange new habit of slapping his buttocks, or whispered criticisms of his ideas, his way of doing things, his incompetence, his stature, his leg, even.

When Toothless was here, Hiccup could climb onto his back and fly off to an isolated sea stack someplace, get away from it all and fool around with his best friend for a while. But now Hiccup is grounded, and forced to realize just how badly planned this whole venture was. Flying onto New Berk had been easy enough. But without the dragons, it's nearly a day's journey down to sea level on a highly dangerous, craggy cliffside, and they've no way to lower their ships down yet either. The people of Berk had swarmed him within moments of waking the day after the dragons had left- he's done nothing but draw schematic after schematic for weeks now, and his arm is sore and his mind fuzzy.

Hiccup's only relief is to walk into the heavy forest, which he does with a harried excuse of mapping their new territory, and slip away.

His stump starts to ache before he's even a mile out from their settlement, and he's forced to sit down and rest- well, breathe. He's been so tense the last few days he's not sure what _rest_ is supposed to feel like anymore.

As he rubs his knee he realizes that it's yet another thing he had taken for granted- with Toothless, he hardly ever had a need to walk long distances. Despite the training he's been doing with Astrid, strengthening his thighs, practicing balancing without the prosthetic, Hiccup's stump simply won't ever hold his weight the way his right foot does. He knows he'll have blisters tonight.

He looks up after a moment, taking in his surroundings, and finds himself in a cove rather like the one he'd first met Toothless in, if a bit more heavily forested. And isn't that just _perfect._

"Some chief you are, running away from your village," Hiccup mutters, angry with himself.

He regrets his earlier thoughts, that his people don't view him as their chief- he knows better, and all the roughhousing and the jokes- it's just in good fun, because they view him as _one of them_ now, something that still feels foreign and strange after all these years. He feels sick to his stomach. He's been ungrateful, cowardly. What would his father think?

Hiccup's heart catches. _Dad._ It's been nearly two years since his death, already. Hiccup hadn't let himself think about it, between fighting Drago, Grimmel, and all the other dragon trappers. Between leading Berk and taking care of his friends, his dragon family.

He doesn't let himself think about it, even now.

Two years had gone by so quickly, and he hadn't even realized. He is exhausted in every sense of the word. He's not sure when he last had time to take care of himself. His prosthetic needs work- it's been squeaking in a foreboding way, and the fit is off again. He hasn't been eating like he should, and he's not even started planning a house to build- he sleeps in his tent, while everyone else has built something of a home already.

There are so many other things Hiccup is doing wrong, and the thoughts build and swirl in his head until he feels like he will burst. Hiccup slips down to the earth, pulling his knees to his chest and letting tears slip free.

If only Toothless were here.

* * *

When Hiccup has been gone for more than an hour, Astrid sets out to find him. She knows he won't get far- unless he pushes himself to the point of injury, which he has done before- and she scouts a small berth of the forest. She knows Hiccup has been stressed lately, but running off the way he had- it's not just her who's concerned. Berk needs their chief, now more than ever, and she worries that Hiccup is still running away from his responsibilities.

This time he doesn't have Toothless to hide behind, though.

Before the Light Fury, she'd never once entertained even the _notion_ of separating Hiccup from Toothless. Their bond was- still is, even from afar- something sacred, something no one with good will would ever dare to come between. But she had to admit even then, Hiccup often used Toothless like a security blanket, hiding behind the dragon and riding away on his back whenever a problem arose that couldn't be solved with the alpha's snarl. It was one of the reasons she's still reluctant to marry him- he isn't grown, yet, not fully. If he can't face things that matter for his village, how can she trust him to face things that matter in their relationship?

She knows some of it is the loss of his father. Stoick's death had been sudden, _violent_, and Astrid knows it bothers him. Without even a chance to say goodbye, he has had no closure. So he had thrown himself into dragon rescue raids, with a fury that frightened Astrid. No matter how right it was to rescue the trapped dragons, Hiccup seemed almost to define himself by it, forgetting his Viking roots, enjoying the fear of foiled trappers and clinging to Toothless in a desperate and insidious way he never had before.

So Astrid is glad of Grimmel, and the Light Fury, now. They had put an end to something that had not yet become wicked, before it could have. But it had been their toughest battle yet, and Hiccup is hurting, deeply. He has lost so much, in such a short time. And his dream has been shattered- the one change he had been ready and willing to accept, the one he had heralded- it could not last, and he has had to let it go.

Yes, she understands his anguish. She had grown to love the dragons as well, and Stormfly had become more than her best friend. They had seen each other at their worst, moments even Hiccup had not been privy to, and shared a deep emotional bond. Her heart aches for Hiccup, knowing his bond with Toothless was even more than hers and Stormfly's, that Toothless was where Hiccup began and ended. But that loss does not pardon him from his responsibilities as chief.

When she finds him, it is in a nook within a cove, curled into himself and crying quietly. He hadn't heard her approach and startles, flinching when he sees her.

"Astrid," he croaks, his green eyes so bright with his anguish it makes her breath catch.

"I'm here," she says, and joins Hiccup on the ground, pulling him in close. His shoulders are so very narrow, his frame as lithe as ever. He's changed his outfit again, into a green wool tunic with his vambraces and a thick chieftain's belt. It's brighter than anything he's worn for the past year, and Astrid wonders if he realizes it. He tucks his face against her neck, sniffling. For all that Hiccup is an emotional person, he rarely allows himself to be vulnerable like this, and she combs her fingers through his hair gently in the way she knows calms him down.

"I'm so lonely," Hiccup whispers, shame coloring his words. "And- and- I-I'm lost. I don- I don't know what to do without him." He stumbles over his words, stuttering again like he had when he was a boy, the village runt, the chief's disappointment. He'd been getting better about that, had been so much more confident and sure of himself. Now that has all been shattered, and he's left to pick up the pieces. But he doesn't need to do it alone, and Astrid needs him to realize this.

"I know," she says. "I miss him too. I miss Stormfly. But they're safe now, Hiccup. We won the war. Dragons have a place where they belong, where people can never hurt them again. And I know Toothless is happy, even if he definitely misses you, too."

"What if he forgets me?" Hiccup asks, his voice soft.

"He won't," Astrid says, squeezing Hiccup's shoulder. "I know he won't. You gave him a second chance at life, a new tail, six years of adventure, and then, most importantly, his _freedom._ Not even the smallest of dragons would forget that, Hiccup."

Hiccup is quiet, picking at the fur of his boot.

"You're the most selfless man I know," Astrid continues. "It's why I fell in love with you. You care for the wellbeing of others more than anyone else on Berk has or ever will. And yes, you need to take better care of yourself- everyone can see it. But this? This isn't working, Hiccup. You run away, and you sit and you overthink everything. Berk needs you, and every time you do this you turn further away from us. You're not behaving like a chief. You're behaving like a hurt child."

Hiccup scowls. "Way to make me feel better, Astrid," he bites out. He pulls away and dries his eyes, looking up at her irately.

"I'm telling you what needs to be said," Astrid responds. "What you already know, but won't accept. Something I have always done. We aren't children anymore, Hiccup. We can't fly away and expect things to fix themselves while we're gone."

"I don't know _how_ to fix this!" Hiccup says, the stress clear in his eyes. "I don't know where to start. I don't even- I don't even know who I am, without Toothless."

Astrid presses his hand into hers. "That's because you're trying to do everything by yourself, Hiccup. You don't have all of the answers. You'll never be able to lead all of Berk alone."

"That's inspiring," Hiccup says, his voice flat.

"No, you're not listening to me, Hiccup. Remember when you were teaching us to ride the dragons, and you told us to trust the dragon's instincts? That we shouldn't steer, because they know how to fly better than we do?"

"Yes," Hiccup says slowly.

"It's the same way leading a village," Astrid says. "You can't control everyone, and you can't force them to do what you want. What you can do is listen to what they have to say. Let them guide you. You can be involved and firm without shouldering everything at all times. It's what made your father such a great chief."

Hiccup's expression falls. "I ran away from him," he says miserably. "He was just trying to prepare me. And now he's gone...because of me."

"That wasn't your fault, Hiccup," Astrid says. "Drago would have found us eventually. And, by the way, Hiccup? I know who you are without Toothless. You're kind, selfless, inventive. A creator. A problem-solver. A diplomat." She rests a hand on Hiccup's chest. "A chief."

Hiccup meets her eyes, and Astrid sees a glimmer of hope in them again.

"It doesn't matter that you're not completely prepared," Astrid assures him. "No one expects you to be. There was a time when even your father wasn't ready, when he doubted himself, I'm sure. But he didn't give up when things got hard, and I know you won't do that either, Hiccup. You've never been one to just give up. You're too stubborn."

Hiccup smiles back at her, a creeping grin like the sun coming up again. "You're right," he says. "I've been so hung up on losing Toothless...I forgot what's right here in front of me."

"Huh?"

Hiccup leans in, catching Astrid's lips in a quick kiss. He pulls away, meeting her gaze. "You've always been there for me," he says. "Keeping me company, guiding me…"

"Saving your sorry butt from your ridiculous stunts," Astrid adds, rolling her eyes.

Hiccup laughs. "You knew what you were getting yourself into."

"Mmm, I did," Astrid agrees, smiling.

"I love you, Astrid," Hiccup says, sincerely. "I know I don't say that enough."

"You don't need to say it," Astrid assures him, "You show it to me every day in your actions. But...I love you too, Hiccup."

Hiccup smiles, then blows out a breath. "I'm guessing we should head back," he sighs. "Duty calls."

"Yeah, Gobber needed your insight on a mechanism for lowering our ships, and..." Astrid says, starting to list things off, and Hiccup groans.

"Just help me up," he interrupts. "My leg is sore."

Astrid chuckles. "Sure."

She knows they'll be alright.


End file.
